Most of our interpersonal conflicts originate not so much in a difference of values, preferences and personalities but from a feeling of not being heard, valued and respected. This article is an attempt to learn how to say “I understand”, even if we do not fully agree with the other person.
One of the biggest challenge in our lives is interpersonal relationships – intimate or otherwise. I often see friends, acquaintances, couples, and colleagues talking over each other. It is as though there are two parallel conversations going on. For instance, the other day, I observed two old friends talking about their travel experiences. While one of them was describing a beautiful sunset in Bali, the other immediately began referring to a similar experience she had had in Nepal. It didn’t stop there. As the ladies were exchanging information about how difficult their lives had been, a similar pattern emerged. While one said she had great trouble with her mother-in-law, the other said, “Oh yes, my mother-in-law was a task master”. I t appeared to me that the conversation was proceeding on two parallel tracks, without any meeting point.
The meeting point, naturally, is understanding. That is to say, each feels that their experiences were valid, they felt heard and truly listened to.
One of the biggest problems in this busy life, is that we simply do not have the time to be kind and empathetic to the other. This sharing of feelings – be it joy, excitement or pain – is critical to develop deep relationships. And this is almost totally missing today.
I mentioned the busyness of modern life as one factor. But more importantly, busyness is often as excuse. More often that not, it is an alienation of oneself from one’s feelings. Our society values rationality – and rightfully so. But this is often at the expense of developing awareness of our emotions. Most of us have no clue how to handle anger, or anxiety, or feelings about death. We avoid them. Or we rationalise them with statements such as, “What can be done. This is life”. It is almost as if we use reason to not fully feel.
Part of the problem is that since school we are taught that those who express fear, sadness or wonder are somehow inferior or weak. And so a hard sheath begins to develop, where we show that we are strong, when in fact we long to be held and loved. In due course of time, this becomes our identity and we learn to ignore or deflect our feelings. We become functional, but unimaginative. Because we do not know how to handle our emotions in a constructive way, we cannot extend this capacity to our loved ones. And so, the trauma continues.
In relationships, this means, we do not know how to say, “I hear you”, when an angry partner is venting at you. Or in politics, we do not know how to say, “I understand where you are coming from and why you fear migrants”. Because we aren’t in tune with our emotions, we reject people who evoke strong emotions in us. This is the basis of hatred, violence and sadly, war.
To change this situation. We need to be able to make room for uncomfortable feelings. The first step is awareness – or to know that I am feeling a particular way. The second step is to say to oneself that this is completely okay to feel this way – for, being human entails experiencing the entire spectrum of emotions – good and bad. Third, is to journal, or to talk out loud to oneself, or to use this constructively in art, sport or any other endeavour – not as an escape – but as a means to transmute pain into love for whatever we like to do.
As we begin to be comfortable with our own suffering. We can bring this space to our relationships. And say, “I hear you”, even if we do not agree to the person. We can say, I respect your pain, even if it is logically inaccurate. And as we truly listen to people, without trying to deflect, humour or distract ourselves, a strange warmth begins to emerge in our relationships. A connection is felt. And something beautiful emerges.
This acceptance and understanding is the basis of true intimacy. Which in turn, ameliorates our turbulent emotions and brings peace and calm. When enough number of us can do this, our society begins to change, political divides are healed, wars averted. This is why the adage “Be the change you want to see” is more valid today than ever before.
Journey of a thousand words 