Nearly all of us have parts of our lives that haven’t quite gone according to plan. These desires can generally be grouped into one of the following categories -health, wealth, relationships. We suffer immensely when one of these three things go awry.
Suffering is the gap between reality and our desires. Since, we cannot choose what we desire – that is to say – our desires are natural expressions from ourselves, it is not prudent to quell our desires. Although some spiritual traditions suggest that we must work hard to overcome our desires, this can lead to a host of other psychological problems. Desires are natural. We must therefore, find a way to handle and manage suffering.
How can we do this?
When we suffer, our minds are often entirely fixed on the object that we crave – money, a job, relationship, status, and so on. Usually, we impose negative feelings on the object (or the absence of it). For instance, let’s say we didn’t manage to get that job where we thought we deserved it. The mind swings into blaming the company or the interviewer. Or for instance, a relationship ends, we begin to blame the other person – or sometimes ourselves. This is natural. However, one of the first steps to healing is to understand that behind these negative feelings of anger, bitterness, jealousy and hatred is in fact a positive desire. We need to begin to articulate this to ourselves. For instance: “I wish a to have a good job or I wish a beautiful car“. Understand that the root of our suffering is in fact a positive desire.
Having made this recognition, understand that some desires may just not come true – immediately or perhaps forever. Both the arising of the desire and its fruition are something that we cannot control. Suffering, according to the Stoics is when we confuse things that are inherently uncontrollable to be controllable. Thus, we are in a strange position – having recognized and articulated our desires strongly, but not in a position to ensure their fruition. There are of course steps we can take to improve the chances of these desires coming to fruition. For instance, keeping applying to jobs. Or go out and meet people with the hope that you will like someone. While these actions are under our purview, the results are in Nature’s hand. How then do we we manage afflictive emotions that arise from this desire gap i.e. the gap between our desires and their fruition?
One technique that has helped me is as follows. Firstly, we recognize we are suffering and that we have no control over our the fulfillment of our desires. We may close our eyes and ask ourselves “Do I wish to suffer?”. This question is a rather unsettling one. It creates waves of uneasiness in our minds and in our bodies. The obvious answer to this questions is no. But we cannot come to a point where we can respond to this question with an emphatic NO. In other words, we are so caught up with the fulfillment of the desire, that we are willing to pay the price as suffering. We are in an almost obtuse way, bound to suffering. The sense of uneasiness if primarily because of a lack of integrity in our minds. We know the right answer should be “No I do not want to suffer” but the emotionally resonant answer is “But I want this object at all costs”.
We cannot force ourselves to arrive at the right response. This journey of resolving this incongruent truth becomes our spiritual penance. During our meditations or reflections, we can call upon the desire, allow it to well up in our bodies and minds and just witness it. It just is. The tears, if they flow, simply are. The pain in the chest or the throat, simply is. Allowing things to be as they are is the first step in being able to move towards transcending our desires. We can then begin to pray. How to pray? Choose a deity that resonates with you. If you are a atheist, then choose the universe or something that is greater than yourself – like the laws of Nature, or natural selection – something that is greater than you and is likely to last beyond your lifetime. We bring into our inner eye the image or even just the feeling of being in the presence of someone much greater than us. That is, we take a lower position of supplication – not as a power dynamic – but as an expression of love. Think of yourself, as a child running to a loving grandmother or grandfather to unburden ourselves. It is the feeling that matters. Keeping this in mind, offer the suffering to the chosen deity. We do not ask for the desire to be fulfilled. We simply ask that the burden be managed on our behalf.
This begins the process of shifting our yearning from the object of our desire to desiring the elimination of the suffering. And the importance of this subtle shift cannot be understated. However, as with everything in our psychology, it takes time – years or even decades. We needn’t be impatient because the goal is not just the elimination of the suffering, but going through the process of eliminating suffering. Think of it like an artist who is learning to play a complex melody. While the goal is indeed mastering the composition, it is in the process of learning the composition that true skills are developed. And it is these skills that help the artist play other difficult pieces. The composition that was just mastered doesn’t help us play other pieces of music. Our achievements do not help us during times of crises, it is our character that comes to our rescue. But, our character is built when we set and strive to achieve difficult goals.
When we feel we are adequately comfortable in this inner reflection or prayer, we can begin to say “I do not want to suffer anymore”. We can say this to our deity in the beginning, and then slowly drop the deity when the time is right and say it to ourselves. This is how we can move beyond the disappointments of unmet desires and make peace with our losses.
Journey of a thousand words 