What if this is it?

What if there isn’t a better future? What if this is it? This is a deeply sobering thought and not one that would be recommended by most self-help gurus who urge us to visualize a flourishing life. But, what if we paused for just a moment and honestly asked ourselves this, knowing that the future is unpredictable? What if it doesn’t get better than this?

Most of us live on hope. We are constantly waiting for the next thing that can finally lead us to a utopian state of never-ending happiness. All our actions stem from the desire to seek this utopian state. We may have not described this urge to ourselves in these very words, but all our actions are aimed at achieving this nirvana-like state of being. We strive very hard through our job, our relationships and our activities, hoping that they will fulfill us. And some of them certainly do bring joy and happiness. However, most of us, are left wanting for more. Our desire for contentment seems to be unlimited. And so, we try to improve the situation, by seeking more of it – or more of it differently. Take holidaying for instance. We aren’t usually satisfied with one holiday we’ve taken. The moment the holiday ends, we are quickly planning for the next one. Perhaps we visited one Hawaiian island, and we tell ourselves that the next time around, we should do the other islands. Or if we’ve visited one romantic restaurant, we quickly want to find that other, better one which our friends tried. And so, the wheel of desire keeps revolving around itself. This is a peculiar sort of suffering born from ceaseless desiring. In Buddhist thought, this is known as Dukkha—the dissatisfaction that arises from our insatiable longing.

On the other hand, some of us are suffering more blatantly – from loneliness, or depression or penury – all traceable to some lack in our lives. And when we suffer, we begin to think of ways of escaping this suffering. That is, we want to arrange our external situations (job, relationship, housing or friend circles) to eliminate this suffering. But what if suffering can never be fully eliminated? We must admit that this is a very real possibility. Especially as we get older, and we recognize the shortness of time, this possibility that we may never truly be happy begins to dawn upon us.

At this juncture, most of us lose ourselves in mind-numbing distractions. Our mid-life crisis typifies this realization. Most of us change jobs, make abrupt career changes (“pivoting”), we may change our relationships, we take up an obsessive hobby like cross-country running, we may change cities, or suddenly discover a repressed sexual proclivity, we may find a guru, or become a Yogi with long hair and cotton loose-fitting clothes. Whatever the manifestation, the root remains the same – it is an escape from suffering. While these changes might bring new perspectives, even momentary happiness, it still does not bring us lasting joy. If we are truly honest with ourselves, the deep sense of discontent remains and often comes up in our quieter moments – late at nights, or as a sense of dread when we wake up first thing in the morning.

In my search for true contentment, I’ve come to realize that there is no way around it: the only solution is to face our suffering. There is simply no other way out. The mantra I personally use is the title for this post – what if this is it? What if this suffering will never leave me? What if this is a part of my destiny?

This recognition brings enormous sadness. But it must be endured. Because through this suffering enormous growth happens. For those of us who believe that there is a higher power in this universe, we recognize that this suffering is a message from the universe and is integral to our evolution. James Davies,in his excellent book “The Importance of Suffering: The value and meaning of emotional discontent” captures this truth poignantly in his book, reminding us that suffering can be more than mere affliction; it can be a profound invitation to growth.

“To suffer is to participate in one of life’s most profound invitations: an invitation to transform our experience of the world by understanding it anew….. It is not the presence of suffering that diminishes us, but the failure to engage with it meaningfully, to find the opportunity for growth hidden within.”

When we face our suffering and seek its meaning, we make it productive—an engine for personal growth. This is why Nietzsche famously said,

“He who has a why can bear almost any how”

To do this, we must look deeply, question, and allow ourselves to learn from our pain. When we avoid it, escape it, engage in distractive activities and compulsive consumption, then the suffering deepens our despair and we suffer unproductively.

Davies in his book, urges us to see suffering as an integral part of life and to learn to face it. Asking ourselves, “What if this is it?”, cuts out the future and brings us to the only possible option – to face our suffering head on.

As we begin to get over the initial pangs of deep despair, we begin to accept this suffering as integral to our lives. Suffering, though foul, is like fertilizer for the soul. It nourishes growth where superficial joys cannot reach, cultivating deeper resilience and insight. From a state of acceptance, we begin to ask ourselves “What must I do?”. Then, our actions are not targeted at an illusory state of perfect happiness, but from asking ourselves, “What must I do now?”. One can detect Stoic thought echoed in this sentiment. For the Stoics, we must only try to do things in our realm of influence. Anything beyond, we must train ourselves not to think about it. And when we face the question “What if this is it?” – then we begin to restrict our actions and desires to only those things we can truly control.

This may sound bleak, but as we practice this, a sense of strange freedom begins to creep into our lives like an unrecognized sunrise. As the first rays of light begin to fill our lives from the east, a sense of peace – grounded in acceptance begins to shine through. This is not a blissful, ecstatic state of unending spiritual joy, but a quiet peace – like that of a calm lake on a perfect summer’s day. Then, we know that most things are not in our control, but those things which are – like deciding to take a walk in the woods, or spend time with the child next door – is in our control – and we bring ourselves so totally to it, that the very action liberates us. Then, our actions do not come from a feverish space of wanting to reach somewhere, but from a space of love, acceptance and a deep sense of humility grounded in the understanding that the universe isn’t too concerned about our happiness, but our growth. And at that juncture when we ask ourselves, “What if there isn’t a better future?”, we can boldly say, “That’s okay. This isn’t too bad”.