Most of our interpersonal conflicts stem from a clash of opinions. The difference in opinions isn’t the problem. Our need to be right and win the other over to our opinion is where conflicts arise. What if we could allow others to hold a contrary opinion even if we think they were wrong? Is it so hard to do that?
We need to feel right because we feel underconfident. If we hold an opinion and truly understand that this is my way of seeing the world and that makes me happy, then we don’t feel threatened. But if you look closely, we are usually not certain about the opinion we hold and need external validation. When several people validate our opinions, we feel good about ourselves. The human mind finds it incredibly hard to leave room for doubt and uncertainty. We feel secure in numbers. The greater the number of people who say “You are right, the better we seem to feel about ourselves”.
But this is a poor way to live. For we are trapped in perpetual public opinion. We need ‘the other’ to be, to feel whole. This is a recipe for unhappiness. And when people disagree with us, it disturbs our tranquillity. What must we do?
We need to prioritise tranquillity and freedom from unpleasantness over the need to be right. We need to learn to live according to our own terms and not to the opinions of others. This is possible only when we begin to stand on our own feet. And have the courage to be who we are – not in a rebellious fashion – but a simple recognition of ourselves. And coming to respect our own opinions and desires, even if they are contrarian to the majority. This simple respect for ourselves means that we learn to respect others who have their own opinion. This brings about true understanding and compassion. And people don’t feel threatened in your presence. They know you accept their positions, even if you disagree with them. For you see that each one can hold their own opinion. And that does not threaten anybody.
The truest sign of maturity is when we transcend the need for validation. This is also one of the hardest things to do because of our social nature. Paradoxically, this is precisely when man becomes truly social. Only when one can stand on one’s own feet, can he provide a template for others to follow his example. Only when one can be herself, can she tell people it is okay to be themselves. This helps forge friendships that engender freedom and love.
Unfortunately, most of our social media is built on the need for validation. And this only makes our relationships complicated and fragile. More than money, or talent, or anything else, what most people are after is fame. They want to be accepted and held in esteem among people. Imagine if you had all the money and no one knew about it. Or you had incredible talent in playing an instrument but this was your secret. Would you still play the instrument? Most of us are after validation and acceptance. This takes on the shape of fame in the grossest form. And while such acceptance seems attractive and may appear to bring happiness, it almost always ends up making us miserable because it is dependent on the external. True contentment comes from being who you are and expressing what comes naturally to you. Then you play your instrument not to gain acceptance, but to share love, joy and beauty through music. The purpose of the action is reversed. It comes from a sharing space and not from a grabbing space.
We need to start going beyond the need for validation. How? Begin by doing something you like without sharing the results with anybody. See how you feel about it. The next time you bake a cake, bake it for yourself. The next time you play your music, don’t record it to share it with anyone. This may seem selfish at first. But this is a practice in learning how to enjoy something by yourself. Over time, when the need to share it drops away, you can then begin to share it. That seems paradoxical, but the only way to serenity.
Journey of a thousand words 